The Poly-Normals
In chapter one: The Poly-Normals, we heard from married couples, young daters, content creators and community spokespeople in the US and UK who by choosing to engage in multiple romantic relationships make room for more creativity, more sharing and more openness.
15 July, 2024
Introduction
Under the covers, dating multiple partners has always gone on. But it is starting to turn up in ads, on TV, and be noted by big brands. People are getting comfortable with this relationship status. They’re wanting to talk about it, to help others to understand why (and how) having simultaneous, multiple sexual relationships works – and what can be gained from such a seemingly complicated life choice.
This chapter is about upending all the common assumptions about this type of freedom. It is most certainly not just about having more sex, for example. We talked to married couples, young daters, content creators and community spokespeople in the US and UK about what to do with, and how to act within, this newfound freedom.
They told us how relationships with multiple partners is better for them because it un-couples them from heteronormative roles. They told us how it is a safer alternative to hook- up culture; how it gives them radical agency over their own body; and how it focuses their minds to treat others better.
The Poly-Normals also spotlight where this group’s culture can help brands ask one of the powerful questions for today’s consumers: What would you like to be de-coupled from?
(Note: in this report, we will mostly use the term polyamory. Ethical non monogamy (ENM) is also a relevant description, but is defined differently by individuals we spoke to).
Next-Level Connection (with yourself and others)
Self-improvement that isn’t individualistic
The Poly-Normals seek to experience non-monogamy as a relational state – it’s meant to be discussed, explored and defined by the people engaging in it. It’s not so much something you ‘are’, as something you do with other people. As one interviewee said: “Polyamory is 90 percent talking”.
As a relationship type, it is often described as ethical non monogamy, a loud signal to the need for radical honesty between sexual partners to achieve ‘compersion’ (the process of putting aside difficult feelings to feel joy in your partner’s other relations).
We heard a lot about this very intentional way of connecting, and how much impact it had on other parts of their lives – especially for women who felt that they could assert their needs more as a result.
“I feel safer now because I just had to get better at talking about my feelings and my experiences.”
Female, 25, US
“Everyone in the scene is very self aware, which makes forming proper connections very easy.”
Male, 49, Scotland
“I have a lot more flexibility and freedom to design connections according to whatever feels good.”
Female, 32, UK
We also heard about how a deeper kinship with difficult feelings enables people to re-ignite dormant character traits, be comfortable with putting boundaries in place, and be more purposeful with their relations with other family, friends or colleagues.
Reshaping Dating Culture
We know today’s daters are tired of the ‘self-imposed pressure for conventional labels’ (Tinder, 2023). It’s something that Tinder and Hinge have recognised by adding open relationships to profile options, while dating app Feeld is leading the way not least by referring to daters as ‘humans’. Many are seeking the freedom to define their own relationships.
We might not all want to be in polyamorous setups, but the invitation of self exploration and freedom it offers could inspire us all to seek out a bit more of what we fancy.
Breaking The System
The Poly-Normals free themselves from other cultural stalemates
There is a joke that polyamory didn’t take off until Google Calendar was invented. But it’s about more than juggling a packed schedule. We heard stories about when people stepped out of the couple relationship format they also stepped out of other neat timelines: no longer opting into the gendered and set pathways of career, marriage, kids. Instead, a questioning of what is personally relevant to them as they journey through life.
This disruption of traditional milestones feels relevant to the attention being placed upon increased longevity and wellness as we age today. As more of us are likely to want different things at different times – could polyamory be a model for how to evolve to live better, for longer?
“My husband and I had to break apart the elements of monogamy that weren’t working for us. It made us create a relationship that was very specific to us. We’ve just celebrated our ten year anniversary! Being polyamorous provides freedom to allow our relationship to change and evolve as we do.”
Danielle, #openlycommitted, 140.5K followers
New Family Units
“My fiancé and I intend to maintain our other relationships when we have kids – the more people helping with nappies the better!”
Male, 31, UK
Research shows that poly parents excel at collaborative family life, highlighting positive practices like honesty, strong communication, conflict resolution, and the ability to take responsibility (Dr Elisabeth Sheff, studies since 1996).
Meanwhile, co-parenting takes on a different shape if multiple people remain involved. Remember: it takes a village to raise a family. We talked to polyamorous parents about their joy of having a partner at home, and being free to go on a date and not discuss domestic needs – instead to enjoy those other parts of their identity (especially women, as one interviewee put it: “It’s like a spa day. A mental escape”).
“Briar has four grown ups: Papa, Dad, Mommy and Nora. All of them live together. On Saturdays, they go to the library and bring home new books. Briar loves having four grown ups. There is always someone to read with!”
How Many Grown-Ups Do You Have? Published June 2023
Co-Loving, Co-Living
Sharing is very definitely caring
The Poly-Normals want to co-exist comfortably, and this means it’s not uncommon for a polycule made up of multiple people to spend birthdays, holidays or other important events together. And, as well as pooling emotional resources, the polycule can enjoy the value of sharing financial and intellectual resources: it’s the ‘chosen family’ mentality of emotional safety in a closely connected, mutually reliable way.
Formal establishments for this type of community support exist. There’s the co-living brand and sex-positive housing collective, The Hacienda Villa, in Bushwick, Brooklyn (‘a way to coexist and celebrate sex without harming each other’); and Nuclear Fusion, a community building app helping people ‘find, build and sustain their villages’. There’s even a merchandise line with the slogan: ‘Monogamy? In this economy?’.
“I’m not reliant on one person for all my needs.”
Male, 26, UK
Many of us feel the pull toward more robust support systems, as we feel more vulnerable than ever in our fast-changing world. Perhaps we can learn from the polycule about how to successfully structure multiple relationships. How to make the best use of being free from just expecting one primary person to support us. More of us can benefit from sharing the care, money responsibilities or role division, whether in the home, parenting or to support our mental well-being to manage life’s demands.
“Polyamory relates to my politics, which tends to be more about community, care, reciprocity and chosen families.”
Female, 33, UK
Polyamory: Out Of The Closet
How brands, products and media are beginning to include this group, and what to learn from their spotlight
1. Remember, it isn’t marginal. More and more people are part of this lifestyle. One of Germany’s biggest health insurance companies, AOK, uses people with multiple partners in advertising and on social media.
2. Present a poly narrative with recognisable relationship beats – eg domesticity. A$AP Rocky, Julia Garner and Elliot Page are an erotic, domestic (watering the garden, mindlessly watching TV), ‘throuple’ in Gucci’s 2023 TV spot.
3. Consider what is required to ensure consent, equality and safety in representation. When the UK reality show Made In Chelsea featured consensual non monogamy between three people in its 2023 season, the channel hired a queer specialist to support the cast involved through the process.
4. Relish the appeal of rule breaking, whatever the genre. Gaming doesn’t have the best reputation for inclusivity but the award-winning computer game Hades features relationships rarely touched on in games, namely depicting polyamory and kink.
5. Take the plunge…There’s an online community ready and waiting for you #polyamory has over three-billion views, and content creators can get massive followings. TikTok creator #openlycommitted told us how her first ever post hit one million views in just 24 hours.
500%
Feeld has seen a massive increase in searches of the terms ‘polyamory’ in the last year (2021)
20%
Survey of Hinge users, 2022 would consider an open relationship (2022)
15 July, 2024